Keeping The Faith

The Middle Ground

Coming from what you might consider a typical ‘desi’ background, the only time that I would go to the gurdwara was for a religious function for family or friends. I wasn’t much into going so didn’t really know anything about my heritage. In fact the only thing I remember from the time I was small is my dad teaching me the Mool Mantar.

From my childhood to youth, older and onto college there were many turbulent times. Those were the days. College life was just one big party. My focus changed during those few years, no longer was education my forte. Now I knew everything about partying and all of its attributes, drinking, drug taking and bragging about my underachieving rebellious new self. My new self had gone to depths I never knew possible and wasn’t conscious of at times, with tattoos to remind me of where I had been.

Something from my past snapped me back into a reality that I didn’t want to face. My turbulent youth came back to haunt me and doctors confirmed that my cancer would never be cured. My first thoughts were God had abandoned me.

During the chemotherapy I lost all of my hair and most of my faith. Everything bad in my life was because of God and it seemed nothing would bring me happiness again.

Slowly, my health began to show signs of improvement and it seemed the cancer was going back under control.

Finally I felt that I had a new lease of life, little did I know that this ‘new’ life was just the beginning for me. It all happened ‘accidentally’. My Masi Ji literally dragged me to the gurdwara when she didn’t want to go alone and rather reluctantly I sat and listened to the katha (story/lecture). It was here that I learned about the ‘chote sahibzade’ (Guru Gobind Singh Ji’s youngest two sons) and the sacrifices they made at such a young age. It struck a chord with me at the time, but by the time I got home I didn’t give their actions a second thought.

That night I woke suddenly at 3am (amrit vela) and for some reason was wide awake. I remembered the ‘katha’ that I had heard at the gurdwara and began to remember God. I wasn’t sure what this meant and wanted some kind of onnection so I began to recite the Mool Mantar.

This began to happen regularly and I found myself wanting to know more. I began to listen to kirtan and katha both at the gurdwara and on line and noticed how peaceful I felt. So why was it that I was going through so much turmoil when life should have been at the height of happiness?

How would I find a middle ground between my faith and my life? Could I grow my hair, stop threading my eyebrows, stop drinking? What would I do about my love affair with KFC? My family weren’t into religion and although they hadn’t supported my wild lifestyle, they weren’t favourable to a religious life either.

I felt that I was alone facing all these choices. I never realised that I wasn’t alone and that these choices had found their way into my being.

After attending a Rensbhai (all night kirtan programme) everything fell into place. I was lost in kirtan during the programme and felt the love of Waheguru in my heart as each shabad (verse) pounded through me. I was so lost in prayer that I didn’t realise there were no other women left in attendance.

Feeling a little out of sorts at this prospect (although I should have realised that Waheguru was with me) I went to look for my shoes to go home. They were nowhere to be seen. Whilst I looked here and there, a gursikh approached me and began telling me about his calling and how Waheguru was in every part of his life without making big changes. As he spoke his words, my confusion and fears began to melt away and my journey towards amrit began. My heart was almost there, it was time to give my head.

The gursikh had told me how difficult times would be for me in the time leading up to my amrit sanchaar and the hurdle that was society, my parents and friends was the biggest test for me yet. There seemed to be nowhere that I could take my amrit and doubts began to flood me. Was my Waheguru abandoning me? Where did I go from here? I didn’t have to wait long, Waheguru sent me a sign and I received a phone call to tell me where there was an Amrit Sanchar coming up

by Sukhvinder Kaur